Artwork by Diane Taurins (me).

Jason Isaacs is one of my favorite actors. He is, without a doubt, one of the most talented people I've ever seen. Keep this in mind as you read my reviews of his movies. They're definitely *not* unbiased. They're done for the fans. And they've been called 'brutal.' Maybe they are. Biased and brutal. <g>

I've included the same elements in each review, including the squidge factor (if you don't know what that is, I think you can guess from reading the review), and whether I think the video/DVD is worth buying or just renting. These are *my opinions only* and done just for the fun of it.

And *BEWARE,* these reviews contain spoilers (i.e. death), so if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know what happens, don't read it. And there's a smattering of bad language (until you get to the "Hotel" review and all hell breaks loose). I'd say this is a PG-13 page. You have been warned. There's a 'spoiler-free' version of this page, but I haven't kept it up-to-date. I'll fix it soon.

These are in the order that I saw them. It's probably best to scroll through the list and read them in that order also (as I make reference to things in earlier reviews). Not that any of this makes any sense anyway . . .

10/8/2003 - The accent category has been greatly refined. A section explaining the accents is included at the bottom of the page.

Feedback is appreciated. Write to diane@portraitplanet.com.

If you want more JI quotes, visit the Jason Isaacs Quotes Page. And there's more art at the Jason Isaacs Art Gallery.

- Diane


Highlander

Dragonheart

Event Horizon

Armageddon

The Patriot

Black Hawk Down

The Tuxedo

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Sweet November

St. Ives

Divorcing Jack

Solitaire for 2

The Last Don II

The End of the Affair

Dangerous Lady

Ashenden

Inspector Morse

Taggart

Capital City

Civvies

Loved Up

Resident Evil

A Relative Stranger

Hotel

Shopping

Windtalkers

The Tall Guy

Mild and Bitter

The Fix

Soldier

The Last Minute

Peter Pan

Passionada

The Heroic Legend of Arislan

The West Wing NEW!
 



Highlander (TV series)

  • Synopsis - Jason plays an immortal. He's after Amanda (in her first appearance in the series), but makes a deal to spare Amanda's life after she promises to deliver Duncan MacLeod's head.
  • Released - First aired April 19, 1993 - Episode - "The Lady and the Tiger"
  • Character - Zachary Blaine, aka Zachary Blount, Zak Montgomery (according to the Watcher database) <--yes, I'm a geek and went to Highlander conventions and bought things like this
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Bad
  • Bastard rating - 8 (compared to some of the other evil immortals on the series, he's not really that bad)
  • Blood & Bullets - Swordplay, but no blood
  • Costumes - Mostly black and blue. Wears a straight jacket (we won't even go there) and jeans. Nice overcoat (of course - he's an immortal). Blue suit. Stocking cap.
  • Pinky Ring? - No.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Adrian Paul, Elizabeth Gracen, Stan Kirsch
  • Squidge factor - High. Hey, there are swords. 'Nuf said. (8 out of 10)
  • Death - Of course, he's an evil Immortal (although his name doesn't start with a 'K')
  • Favorite quotes - "I won't leave home without it." <-- (ok, so this is cheesy, but it's still funny ) * "Don't be funny. You tend to fall behind in prison."
  • Video/DVD - Yes! Get a hold of this one, or tape it off TV.


Dragonheart

  • Synopsis - A knight and the last dragon on Earth join forces with the downtrodden townfolk to overthrow a tyrannical king. Cute movie. My kids like it too.
  • Released - 1996
  • Character - Lord Felton, minion extraordinaire
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Bad
  • Bastard rating - 6 (would be higher, but he's a coward too)
  • Blood & Bullets - Sword fights, some blood. Rated PG-13.
  • Costumes - A couple of goofy hats, bad jewelry, leather garments, pants that won't stay up (not that there's anything wrong with that).
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes, it's part of the 'bad jewelry' mentioned above.
  • Hair - long, but not particularly appealing. Goatee has possibilities.
  • Other cast - Dennis Quaid, Sean Connery (voice of Draco), David Thewlis
  • Squidge factor - Low, even with a shirtless scene, though you get a glimpse of his pants falling down. He's just too . . . slimy. One of my least favorite JI characters. (6 out of 10)
  • Death - Yep. An axe to the back. But he makes it almost to the end.
  • Favorites Quotes - "Back to work, you scum."
  • Video/DVD - Buy it if you see it in the previously owned videos section. It's also on TV very often, so try to tape it.
  • Media - Soundbites for "Dragonheart" are available on the JIF multimedia page.

 


Event Horizon

  • Synopsis: I truly hate this movie. The first time I saw it (1997), I declared it the worst movie I'd ever seen (that was before the Jason Isaacs 'thing'). Since then I've upgraded it to the worst SciFi movie I've ever seen. A title previously held by "Tammy and the T-Rex." At least Tammy makes me laugh at the sheer stupidity of it. Event Horizon just makes me grind my teeth. Ludicrous story with lots of expensive special effects.
  • Released - 1997
  • Character - D.J. - "trauma"
  • Accent - Hmmm, well . . . sounded Scottish at certain times, American at others, and also English - It was the space madness I tell you!
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good
  • Bastard rating - 2 (not really a bastard, but he can 'take care' of things if he needs to)
  • Blood & Bullets - More blood and gore than any movie needs. Absolutely insane. Keep the kids away from this one. Rated R for "Really Craptacular"
  • Costumes - Nice jumpsuits (by John Mollo - Star Wars), *very* nice compression shorts
  • Pinky Ring? - Will check and see.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Sam Neill, Sean Pertwee, Lawrence Fishburne, Kathleen Quinlin (all good - what a waste)
  • Squidge factor - Pretty damned high. Loses points for smoking a lot in a very confined space, gains them back for the shorts. D.J. is kinda grim (but he shares his cigarettes) - (8 out of 10)
  • Death - Yes. One of the worst ones in this movie. Extremely gruesome.
  • Favorite Quote - "Whoever sent that message, he sure believes in hell." (and you will if you see this movie as well)
  • Video/DVD - Rent if you must. Or try to catch it on TV and tape it.

Addendeum - Just watched this again. Damn, but there's a lot of coffee in this film. D.J. doesn't drink from his cup (on his left on the conference table), but everyone else seems to be drinking it. And there are shiny silver thermoses galore. Not to mention a dirty coffee joke. Hmmmmm - may have to rethink this one . . .


Armageddon

  • Synopsis: The mother of all meteors is hurtling towards Earth. Dr. Quincy saves the planet. Ok, not really, but it was his idea . . . Fun mindless movie. Very nice performances all around. Great action. Spectacular special effects.
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - Dr. Ronald Quincy, "pretty much the smartest man on the planet" a.k.a. "Mr. Wizard"
  • Accent - English (Home Counties - Berks, Bucks, Surrey or Herts)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good (and really, really smart)
  • Bastard rating - 0 (absolutely adorable - and smart)
  • Blood & Bullets - Little. Rated PG-13.
  • Costumes - Suit, tie, glasses. He really looks good in blue, and smart.
  • Pinky Ring? - No, but a wedding ring.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Steve Buscemi, Billy Bob Thornton (everyone is good in this movie)
  • Squidge factor - Surprisingly high. Gotta love the brainy guys. He holds a coffee cup very nicely too. Just kinda cradles it in his hands . . . ok, sorry, where was I? Oh, and he's good with a meteor model and a remote control. We won't get into the 'laptop' jokes . . . Did I mention he was smart? (a solid 10)
  • Death - Nope.
  • Favorites Quotes - "The president's advisers are, ehm . . . wrong. I'm right" * "I know the President's Chief Scientific Adviser. We were at MIT together, and in a situation like this, you really don't want to take the advice of a man who got a C- in astrophysics." * "Imagine a firecracker in the palm of your hand. Set it off, what happens? You burn your hand, right? You close your fist around the same firecracker and set it off . . . pff. Your wife's going to be opening your ketchup bottles for the rest of your life."
  • Video/DVD - Ok, I've revised my recommendation on this - I said 'try to tape it off TV,' but now I say 'try and find it in the used video/DVD section. It's worth it.'

The Patriot

  • Synopsis - Col. Tavington has to deal with these annoying American patriots who keep testing his patience. Ok, that's not really accurate, but what-the-hell. Jason steals the show whenever he's on screen.
  • Released - 2000
  • Character - Colonel William Tavington
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation with slight Sloaney tendancies)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Oh, very bad.
  • Bastard rating - 15 (on a scale of 1-10)
  • Blood & Bullets - Yep, lots of blood. Swords, guns. Head blown off by a canonball. Women, children and the elderly burned inside a locked church. Child shot in the back in front of his entire family. Ick. Rated R.
  • Costumes - Extraordinary costumes. Dragoon uniform is very hot. Even like the poofy hat. Nice black pants and gorgeous riding boots. White ruffly shirt. Excuse me for a moment . . .
  • Pinky Ring? - No
  • Hair - Long, dark hair, tied back for most of the film, loose some of the time - crikey! This is my favorite hair by far.
  • Other cast - Were there other people in this movie? Oh yeah, Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger, Chris Cooper, Tom Wilkinson (all excellent).
  • Squidge factor - Off the freakin' scale - ok, a 15 on a scale of one to 10. Must have been the shaving scene . . .
  • Death - Ummm, yeah. But he deserved it, bastard. And he makes it very close to the end of the movie at least.
  • Favorites Quotes - "It's an ugly business doing ones' duty, but just occasionally, it's a real pleasure." <blink, blink> * "This is madness!" * "We're not going to hold him. We're going to hang him." * "The honor is found in the end, not the means."
  • Video/DVD - Yes. DVD special edition (with deleted scenes). This is a must have. Especially the deleted scenes (more ruffled shirt and long hair)!
  • Media - Soundbites for "The Patriot" are available on the JIF multimedia page.


Black Hawk Down

  • Synopsis - Based on the best-selling book which tells of the disastrous U.S. mission to Somalia in October of 1993. But it wasn't Captain Steele's fault!
  • Released - 2001
  • Character - Ranger Captain Mike Steele
  • Accent - American/Southern
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good
  • Bastard rating - 3 (well, I have to give him something - he does shoot people)
  • Blood & Bullets - Oh geez - *tons* of both. Very graphic. Rated R.
  • Costumes - Nifty camoflage. Helmet on most of the time.
  • Pinky Ring? - No.
  • Hair - none - completely bald - but it works
  • Other cast - Josh Hartnett, Eric Bana (lovely), Sam Shepard, Ewan McGregor (love him) <-- "Coffee guy" couldn't have made coffee for Steele??
  • Squidge factor - Surprisingly high. Looks pretty hot without hair. (8 out of 10)
  • Death - Nope. He was one of the lucky ones.
  • Favorites Quotes - "You Delta boys are a bunch of undisciplined cowboys. Let me tell you something, Sargeant. When we get on the 5-yard line, you're gonna need my Rangers. So y'all better learn to be team players. We're done here," * "You understand why we have a chain of command, don't ya? Because if I ever see you undermine me again, you'll be cleaning latrines with your tongue til ya can't taste the difference between shit and french fries. Are we clear?"
  • Video/DVD - Rent or catch on TV.


The Tuxedo

  • Synopsis - a *much* better version of "Inspector Gadget" (not that anything could get worse). Overall, a cute movie.
  • Released - 2002
  • Character - Clark Devlin, secret agent extraordinaire
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - One of the good guys
  • Bastard rating - 4 (not an angel by any means - he's a trained secret agent and will take people out)
  • Blood & Bullets - Lots of martial arts (obviously because it's a Jackie Chan movie), Jason doesn't have much action (except for a rather bland tango). Rated PG-13.
  • Costumes - The Tuxedo (duh), gorgeous suits with gorgeous ties, an extraordinary turtleneck, and who knew that bullet-proof vests and rappelling gear could be so sexy?
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes, check out the picture at right --->
  • Hair - short with a small hairpiece on top. Not bad really.
  • Other cast - Jackie Chan (kinda fun), Jennifer Love Hewitt (blech).
  • Squidge factor - Extremely high - he's utterly charming (9 out of 10)
  • Death - Nope. But he spends most of the movie in the hospital.
  • Favorites Quotes - His order at Burger King - "Two whoppers, hold the onion, extra ketchup, toast the bottom bun only, medium well done, two large fries, extra well done, two chocolate milk shakes, however the chef likes. That's it." * "You're the head of an intelligence agency. Why don't you be intelligent?"
  • Video/DVD - Buy the video or DVD if you can. He's just too cute.
  • Media - Soundbites for "The Tuxedo" are available on the JIF multimedia page. Trailers and film clips for "The Tuxedo" are her e.


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

  • Synopsis: Do you really need a synopsis? If you haven't read the books or seen the movies, I feel very sorry for you.
  • Released - 2002
  • Character - Lucius Malfoy, pureblood wizard
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation - slightly Sloaney)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Bad, very bad.
  • Bastard rating - 12 (yeah, yeah, I know it's only supposed to go to '10', but if Tavington has a 15, Malfoy gets a '12')
  • Blood & Bullets - Some blood. Cleaned up for the massive juvenile audience. Rated PG for "Perfectly Gorgeous."
  • Costumes - Extraordinary. Wonderful detail. Simply beautiful. Nifty snake cane/wand. He definitely has a way with a cape.
  • Pinky Ring? - No, he's wearing gloves.
  • Hair - Good gawd, the hair. *Very* long, very blonde (almost white).
  • Other cast - Daniel Radcliffe, Alan Rickman, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Robbie Coltrane, Kenneth Branagh, Richard Harris, Maggie Smith (everyone is excellent)
  • Squidge factor - Almost as high as Tavington. Maybe a 12.
  • Death - Nope.
  • Favorites Quotes - "Well, let us hope Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day."
  • Video/DVD - BUY IT! Are you kidding? He's in scenes/chapters 6, 15, 25 & 35.
  • Media - Soundbites for "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" are available on the JIF multimedia page.

 

 

Artwork (at left) by me.

 

Sweet November

  • Synopsis - Jason plays the gay neighbor (and good friend) to the quirky main character (Sara). To be honest, if Jason wasn't in this movie, I'd never watch it again. But he makes it worth watching. Thank you DVD scene selection.
  • Released - 2001
  • Character - Chaz/Cherry
  • Accent - Scottish (wonderful)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good, very good
  • Bastard rating - 0 (no badass here, although he needs to make his own coffee . . .)
  • Blood & Bullets - Nada. Rated PG-13 (some nudity).
  • Costumes - Weeeellll, Chaz's clothes are nice (lots of layers, denim jacket over t-shirts, jeans, a nice ribbed sweater). Cherry's? You be the judge. The necklace has definitely got to go.
  • Pinky Ring? - Chaz, yes, Cherry, no.
  • Hair - Chaz - short, Cherry - Red
  • Other cast - Keanu Reeves (blech) and Charlize Theron (beautiful)
  • Squidge factor - Very high & not so high. Again with the frelling coffee cup . . . (9 out 10 for Chaz - I am *not* rating Cherry)
  • Death - Nope.
  • Screentime - approximately 17 minutes, 53 seconds
  • Favorites Quotes - Chaz - "Honestly? It tastes like camel piss." * "If I've learned anything, it's that you should have the people who love you, around you for as long as you possibly can." * "Very impressive set of pecs you've got there, Nelson." Cherry - "Ah, it's too late. We sold your dinner to the homeless." * "You're looking a wee bit peaky." * "This isn't a dress - it's a sequined sensation." * "You can talk about me when I'm gone."
  • Video/DVD - Buy the DVD, Jason is great in it (makes up Keanu Reeves).
 

St. Ives

  • Synopsis - Cute love story, with good performances. Worth seeing.
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - Alain St. Ives, the bad brother
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Bad boy
  • Bastard rating - 7 (would be higher, but he's a coward too)
  • Blood & Bullets - Battle scenes, some blood, lovely sword fighting. Rated R (nudity).
  • Costumes - Some nice costumes, some cheesy costumes, some a bit off on the time period . . . The best outfit is the black vest, lovely white shirt and tight black pants with suspenders, and riding boots.
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes! A large one.
  • Hair - long, dark hair - not the best wig I've ever seen on him
  • Other cast - Jean-Marc Barr (cute in an Adrian Paul-ish sort of way), Miranda Richardson (hysterical), Richard E. Grant (excellent) and Anna Friel
  • Squidge factor - Ummm, well it's there, just somewhat hidden behind the sheer ickiness of the character. Some very nice fencing scenes. But this guy hides behind women in a fight! Stick it out until the end because his legs look like they're a mile long in the last sword fight. *Really* *nice* *pants* (7 out of 10)
  • Death - Yes, dead again. <sigh>
  • Favorites Quotes - "His mother was a crab, you know."
  • Video/DVD - Rent if you can find it. He's in DVD scenes/chapters 6, 8, 10, 12 & 13.


Divorcing Jack

  • Synopsis - Black comedy with a drunken journalist, corrupt politician, murder, infidelity and "chips!" Loads of fun. Pretty wacky movie, but I liked it.
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - "Cow Pat" Keegan
  • Accent - Northern Irish (delicious)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Oh yeah, really bad
  • Bastard rating - 9 (he gets a point off for the great sense of humor and for being so damned cute)
  • Blood & Bullets - Yes, lots of blood, violence and chips! (Well, the store was closed, so Starkey had to get pizza, but whatever).
  • Costumes - Pat is a snappy dresser. Love his clothes. Especially the blue shirt and black pants ensemble. Geez. And an earring! Yeow.
  • Pinky Ring? - Oh yeah
  • Hair - Extremely short, but it looks great.
  • Other cast - David Thewlis (Starkey)
  • Squidge factor - *Extremely high* I find Pat Keegan to be one of the sexiest characters to date. Don't know why for sure. He just is. Maybe it's the atttitude. And his sense of humor. And the way he moves. And the clothes. And the earring. And . . . (A perfect10 for Pat)
  • Death - Yep. "He blowed up good. He blowed up real good." (the SCTV movie guys).
  • Screentime - Approximately 18 minutes.
  • Favorites Quotes - "How's that for the bigger fucking picture?" * "I thought you said they were long-life batteries?" <--(smartass)
  • Video/DVD - Yes. Buy the DVD if you can find it (check half.com and amazon)

 

Artwork at left by me


Solitaire for 2

  • Synopsis - A really stupid story about a woman with e.s.p., but enjoyable none-the-less. The characters are very likeable (except for the annoying Katie).
  • Released - 1995
  • Character - Harry, best friend, art therapist
  • Accent - American (only slips up once that I can tell - "That's because you're transparent.")
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy (with naughty thoughts apparently)
  • Bastard rating - 1 (gotta give him one point for the dirty mind)
  • Blood & Bullets - Nope, but Katie keeps punching men in the face - stupid bint. Rated R (some nudity).
  • Costumes - Mostly ok, t-shirts under long-sleeved shirts, comfortable 'guy stuff,' with the exception of an orange t-shirt under a maroon shirt <shudder>, and a polyester nightmare of a bias-cut blue plaid shirt that he wears under a cool black leather jacket. I love the pink shirt he wears at the beginning (with a white t-shirt and jeans) and the blue velour shirt at the water park (shown at right with coffee!). There's a shirtless scene at the water park (swimming trunks) and playing paintball in camoflage with a backwards baseball cap (cute).
  • Pinky Ring? - No, but a wedding ring --->
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Mark Frankel, Amanda Pays, Maryam d'Abo
  • Squidge factor - Very high. Heck he's an art therapist. I'm an artist. The mind reels . . . He's really adorable in this movie. And there's coffee again (styrofoam cup this time - not as sexy). Just can't let that go . . . (9 out 10)
  • Death - Nope
  • Favorites Quotes - "Ooooh, looks a bit like a child cast adrift on an endless ocean." * "Is this a sulk by any chance?" * "I see an Autumn wedding" * "You know, if you want someone to believe you, you should look them in the eye." * "You know, you are quite something." * "You know what? I don't give a shit."
  • Video/DVD - Yes, order it on video


The Last Don II (TV mini-series)

  • Synopsis - This sucked pond water. And not just regular pond water, but nasty, stinking pond water with floating, dead, bloated fish on top. This is one of the most painful things I've ever watched. Ok, so I didn't actually watch all of it. I made very good use of the fast-forward button on the ReplayTV (and then just taped off the Jason bits onto video). Believe me, it's the way to go.
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - Father Luca Tonarini
  • Accent - Oooh, boy, that's a hard one. American - all up and down the eastern seaboard really. And a raspiness to his voice that was really annoying. Sorry, Jason.
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Yes <g>
  • Bastard rating - 3 (1 point for being so naive and stupid , 1 point for having such poor taste in women, and another point for caving in on the plans to run away with Kirstie Alley (although he really should gain points for this))
  • Blood & Bullets - Yep, lots
  • Costumes - Priestly garb, jeans and black jacket, and nothing (in that order).
  • Pinky Ring? - No.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Kirstie Alley in the most mind-numbingly bad acting I've ever seen. Jason should be given a special award for not breaking down in a fit of laughter in his scenes with her. Seriously - a huge trophy or a medal at least.
  • Squidge factor - High, he tears off his shirt, there's a sex scene (if you want to call it that), and ice skating! Gotta love the ice skating. No coffee. (7 out of 10)
  • Death - Yes, shit. Worthwhile to just turn the thing off at that point. This death thing is really getting old.
  • Screentime - approximately 27 minutes, 21 seconds
  • Favorites Quotes - "Well, who's going to question a man of the cloth?" * "It takes work to save a soul." (Ok, I just picked these two - there really isn't any good dialogue in the whole damned thing)
  • Video/DVD - Hopefully you can catch it on TV and just tape the Jason bits off on video.

The End of the Affair

  • Synopsis - The title pretty much says it all. The Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore characters are having an affair. Rather slow-paced and somewhat confusing sometimes (non-linear story-telling).
  • Released - 1999
  • Character - Father Richard Smythe
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation - neutral)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Snotty pious guy
  • Bastard rating - 1 ( one point for his lack of people skills)
  • Blood & Bullets - Lots of bombs exploding, disintegrating buildings, a bit of blood. Rated R (nudity).
  • Costumes - Priestly garb, hat, umbrella
  • Pinky Ring? - No.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Ralph Fiennes, Julianne Moore.
  • Squidge factor - Well it's there because it is Jason Isaacs of course, but he is quite different from Father Luca. Father Smythe is disapproving and smug, and has quite a superior attitude about him. Not very appealing really, except for the tea cup (I'm assuming it's tea this time, but I don't know). Two tea scenes! I've come to the conclusion that coffee is sexier than tea (at least coffee cups vs. tea cups - no one can argue with that). Or maybe it's not the coffee at all! Maybe it's his hands I like. What a revelation. (6 out of 10)
  • Death - No.
  • Favorites Quotes - "We recognize the baptism of desire." * "Let the poor man rave." * "I know when a man is in pain." * "Oh, you are a good hater."
  • Video/DVD - If you want to see it just for Jason, rent it. If you're a Ralph Fiennes fan also, then definitely buy it.


Dangerous Lady

  • Synopsis - Wow, just when I think I've seen his best work, I find something like this. Simply amazing performance by Jason Isaacs. This is the story of the Ryan family in gangland London in the 50s and 60s. Mickey Ryan rules as King of the organized crime world. But he's had an unhappy past and no prospects for a happier future. My heart was breaking for this character. Mickey needs a Chaz to tell him, "Here come 'ere. Give us a cuddle."
  • Released - 1995
  • Character - Michael "Mickey" Ryan, gangster, doting big brother
  • Accent - English (Central London)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Oh yeah, definitely bad (but you can understand why after you see this)
  • Bastard rating - 9 (this is a hard one - but yeah, a 9)
  • Blood & Bullets - Yes, lots of blood and violence. And I may be scarred for life after from seeing Jason do the 'hokey pokey.' <shudder>
  • Costumes - Early 60s suits, long leather jacket (*very* nice), suspenders (!), great dress coat, nothing but a sheet.
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes!
  • Hair - A little longer on top. Very dark. Extremely cute.
  • Other cast - Susan Lynch, Sheila Hancock
  • Squidge factor - High. Another character with attitude. And there's a scene in bed with satin sheets. Damned sheets. Of course he's in bed with a guy . . . oh well. And there's dancing! Love to see him dancing (except the aforementioned 'hokey pokey'). No coffee, but loads of drinking (it's definitely the hands) . . . (Mickey is a 10)
  • Death - Yes, but it makes sense.
  • Favorites Quotes - In response to 'do you know what they say about you?': "Yeah. That I'm a violent, perverted bender. But nobody says it to
    my face. Nobody." * ""Even cheap whores want paying. And I ain't cheap." * "You don't need help from me to look like an idiot."
  • Video/DVD - Yes. Buy the DVD if you can find it. Try half.com. This is a must have if you're a JI fan. It's #1 on the list of things to buy.

 

Art by me. Again. - Diane


Ashenden

  • Synopsis - Interesting mini-series about John Ashenden, Somerset Maugham's alter-ego from World War I, the creation of the British Secret Service and counter-intelligence agencies. BUT, apparently I got a hold of the *edited* American version, so there's only *20 freakin' seconds* of Jason in it.
  • Released - 1991 (4-part TV mini-series)
  • Character - Andrew Lehman (this isn't listed on the imdb) in parts one (The Dark Woman) and four (The Hairless Mexican)
  • Accent - English, I would guess
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy, I would guess
  • Bastard rating - I have *no* bloody idea
  • Blood & Bullets - A bit. It is about WWI after all.
  • Costumes - He's wearing a suit (circa 1910-1920).
  • Pinky Ring? - Who can tell? He's too far in the background.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Alex Jennings as Ashenden
  • Squidge factor - Well looks cute in the background. Very animated. Very into his conversation. Has lots of hair. Even for 20 seconds, he's adorable.
  • Death - No.
  • Screentime - approximately 20 seconds in part one, he's in the background at a party, and cut out entirely of part four.
  • Favorites Quotes - I wouldn't know, damnit.
  • Video/DVD - If you want to see it for Jason, you'll be very disappointed, unless you can get your hands on the original version, and not the one that ran on A&E.


Inspector Morse (TV series)

  • Synopsis - Detective series. Morse investigates the suicide of his niece and two other teens.
  • Released - First aired April 15, 1992 - Episode - "Cerubim and Seraphim"
  • Character - Dr. Desmond Collier (aka "Evil Bastard")
  • Accent - English - (somewhere between Liverpool and Manchester - it fluctuates madly)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Morse calls him "Evil Bastard" for good reason
  • Bastard rating - 9 (see below)
  • Blood & Bullets - No, but the episode deals with teenage suicide and drug use
  • Costumes - Lab coat, suit, New Orleans Saints cap and puffy black down jacket (apparently he shops at the same stores that Pat Keegan does)
  • Pinky Ring? - Nope.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - John Thaw (Morse) - I liked him
  • Squidge factor - Jason was very cute back in 1992, but this is a vile character. He sells drugs to teenagers and then stands back and watches their reactions like they're a bunch of lab rats. Ok, so I'm the mother of a teenager and I'd like to kick Collier's ass. Still . . . there's a *close-up* of him about to take a sip from a very attractive cup. This coffee/tea thing is getting weird. He's taunting me. (8 out of 10)
  • Death - Yes, but damnit, I wanted to see his pissed-off, indignant face when he was caught. Instead his car crashes into a tree and explodes into a huge fireball. Conclusion - stay away from cars when you're wearing down jackets, Jason. If the director wants you to wear a down jacket, tell him/her "I'm allergic to feathers." Seriously. It means your character is going to die. In a car.
  • Favorites Quotes - "What a drag."
  • Video/DVD - Buy it.


Just a reminder . . . lots of spoilers in these reviews.

Taggart

  • Synopsis - Detective series - Scotland. The 'Evil Twin' episode (doesn't every series have one?)
  • Released - Three-part episode - first aired - Jan. 30 to Feb. 13, 1992 - Episode - "Double Exposure"
  • Character - Eric and John Barr (yep, twins - but we won't even go there)
  • Accent - Scottish (Ayrshire or Glaswegian)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Yes. Evil Eric and nice guy, John
  • Bastard rating - Eric - 10 (for killing John), and John - 1 (for being so freakin' gullible)
  • Blood & Bullets - Yes, a bit of blood. A couple of murders.
  • Costumes - Eric - suits with crisp white shirts, John - comfy, sloppy clothes (t-shirts, jeans, shorts) - a backpackin' kinda guy
  • Pinky Ring? - No, and no.
  • Hair - very short, weird cut
  • Other cast - Mark McManus (Taggart) - Without a doubt, the most boring main character I've ever seen in a TV series
  • Squidge factor - Talk about fantasy-inducing - bloody twins! <And I said I wasn't going to go there - phbppppt> Two Jasons on screen is a huge treat. Eric is a bastard. John is a cutie who cooks Thai food from scratch, enjoys good scenery, quotes poetry and whistles with his fingers in his mouth. <Yes, this one, please> A few seconds of shower time for John. His face only. What the heck were you people thinking! You couldn't have given us a bit of shoulders and back?! - Sheesh. Still it's a nice shot. (7 out of 10 for Eric, 9 out of 10 for John)
  • Death - Yes and yes (there goes the Thai food)
  • Favorites Quotes - <John> "Hi, Diane?" (ok, so sue me - I liked hearing him say my name), and <John kinda quoting Shelley> "See the mountains kiss high heaven. And the sunlight kiss the sea. What is all this sweet work worth, if thou kiss not me." <squidge>
  • Video/DVD - Again, try to get a hold of this, or talk someone into letting you borrow theirs <g>


Capital City

  • Synopsis - Dramatic series set in a trading room of a bank (Shane-Longman). I saw the first episode - "Second Quarter Figures" (this is based on that episode alone)
  • Released - 1989
  • Character - Chas Ewell
  • Accent - Scottish
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Angelic guy
  • Bastard rating - 0 (it doesn't get any sweeter than this)
  • Blood & Bullets - Neither, just cut-throat traders
  • Costumes - Suits, a nice trench coat
  • Pinky Ring? - Will check.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - William Armstrong as Max - I liked this character a lot
  • Squidge factor - My gawd. A guy who loves him mum, goes out of his way to be kind to strangers, and is good with phones. I'm quite sure that Chas drinks lots of tea. Or coffee. He's adorable. I'd like to go furniture shopping with Chas, and not because his house is empty . . . (9 out of10)
  • Death - No
  • Screentime - Approximately 7 minutes, 16 seconds
  • Favorites Quotes - "No, I'm sorry. I don't smoke."
  • Video/DVD - Again, try to get a hold of this, or talk someone into letting you borrow theirs


Civvies

  • Synopsis - Series about a sergeant (Frank) who leaves the army for civilian life (civvies). Frank is a grim sort. Very out of his element outside the army. Heartbreaking really. He only seems happy in the flashbacks with his buddies. He shuts his wife out almost completely. Jason is brilliant in this. Totally convincing as Frank.
  • Released - 1992 (but he looks older in it)
  • Character - Frank Dillon, hard core Army guy
  • Accent - English (East London)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy (kinda)
  • Bastard rating - 5 - He's a badass, but good-hearted. Gets bastard points for shoving his wife around, yelling at his kids and shagging a stranger in a hotel. But he's loyal to his disabled friend, Steve.
  • Blood & Bullets - Yes, some blood. Great fistfight in part three. Frank ends up getting very banged up. But he wins!
  • Costumes - Camoflage & red beret (hot), *really* nice boxer shorts (I like these better than the ones in Event Horizon), sweatsuit, sleeveless t-shirt (for weight lifting), black outfit in part three with a camoflage jacket and black stocking cap (very hot), big tattoo on his left bicep, smaller tattoo (heart & sword I believe) on his left forearm, some sort of tattoo or injury on his neck
  • Pinky Ring? - Will check.
  • Hair - short hair, full mustache
  • Other cast - Peter Howitt (Steve) - good, Peter O'Toole - part 1 & 2, John Hannah - part 3
  • Squidge factor - Great scene with just boxer shorts in bed with his wife. A few pretty hot scenes (although very short) - two with his wife, one with a stranger in a hotel, when he shags her behind closed doors (it figures). Lifts weights (yeow) with his friend. Didn't like the mustache at first, but by part three he was looking pretty Tom Selleck-y to me. I wouldn't want to be married to this guy, but I'd most *definitely* shag him in a hotel in Scotland (or anywhere else for that matter). The scar on his face didn't bother me. And oh yeah, he makes tea for his wife! Ugly cups, but still . . . (8 out of 10)
  • Death - No! Yay!
  • Favorites Quotes - "We used to pride ourselves. We were the toughest. The best of fightin' men. They wanna change it all. Change our image. It was my life. My lads. I got as far as I could go. As far as they let someone like me go. Yes men. That's what they want now. Yes men. They don't want soldiers. They want blokes with good education. The Falklands were the best time in my life. Everything we trained for, came together. Same for all of us. Everything I was made sense."
  • Video/DVD - Try really hard to find this one - he is definitely the star of this piece


Loved Up

  • Synopsis - London. Lots of drugs. While it's no "Trainspotting," it was interesting and I liked the characters.
  • Released - 1995
  • Character - Dez 2, drug dealer
  • Accent - English (Essex)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Scum bag
  • Bastard rating - 9 - Dez is charming some of the time. But there's that drug dealing thing. And the attempted rape. Ok, so he's actually a loser. Sheesh, I can't help it - he turns me on. It must have been the tea drinking close-up with the big silver rings. I know, I know. Stop looking at me like that!
  • Blood & Bullets - A bit of blood
  • Costumes - Jeans, t-shirts, hooded sweatshirt, ugly stocking cap and an extremely cute Kangol hat worn backwards with a little kangaroo on it (I really want one of these)
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes!
  • Hair - short hair, goatee
  • Other cast - Ian Hart (goes on to become a professor at Hogwarts) and Lena Headey (both good)
  • Squidge factor - Remember when I said that the goatee had possibilities? (Dragonheart) I was right - it does. But this is a hard one. Dez is pretty scummy, but damn, he has an earring in his left ear, a piercing in his left eyebrow, an ear cuff on his right ear, a tattoo encircling his right bicep, and a goatee. But Jason looks really thin in this. Not disturbingly thin like Ewan McGregor in "Trainspotting," but pretty thin, none-the-less. (8 out of 10)
  • Death - No
  • Favorites Quotes - "I wanna have sex with ya." <-- (Does anyone have a soundbite of this? Just kidding. Kinda. What??!!)
  • Video/DVD - Try to find a copy. He looks cool in this.

Dez 2 drawing by me - Diane


Resident Evil

  • Synopsis - From my "Event Horizon" review, I bet you thought I'd hate this, didn't you? I thought it was *much* better then "Event Horizon." Kind of a modern version of "Night of the Living Dead." Fun horror movie.
  • Released - 2002
  • Character - Evil Scientist Doctor Dude
  • Accent - American
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Evil scientist
  • Bastard rating - 8 - pretty high for the short time he's in it (maybe I just have this thing against surgical masks)
  • Blood & Bullets - Lots of blood and gore. Lots of bullets and other weapons.
  • Costumes - Surgical gear and biohazard suit
  • Pinky Ring? - No, come on, he's a surgeon!
  • Other cast - Milla Jovovich and lots of really nice looking guys
  • Squidge factor - Well geez, all you can see are his eyes. Still . . . check out this photo. His eyes are gorgeous. A 10 for his eyes alone.
  • Death - No, hopefully he'll be back in the sequel
  • Screentime - You actually only see his face (his eyes) for 2 seconds. But he does the opening narration as well.
  • Favorites Quotes - "Just do it."
  • Video/DVD - Rent it


A Relative Stranger

  • Synopsis - Peter Fraiman wakes up to find he can't remember the last 20 years of his life. Jason Isaacs was outstanding in this. I don't think I've ever seen someone look so lost and confused. He was amazing.
  • Released - 1995
  • Character - Peter Fraiman
  • Accent - English (West Yorkshire)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy
  • Bastard rating - 0 (I should give him a '1' for almost shagging his ex-girlfriend, and ignoring his wife, but he was *really* confused, and damnit, just needed a good hug (or two or three), or a massage . . . ok, sorry
  • Blood & Bullets - Nada.
  • Costumes - Just jeans (whoa), nothing (even better), cute jammies, loose comfortable clothes
  • Pinky Ring? - Sorry, gotta check.
  • Hair - Three different looks - starts out in 1975 with long, below shoulder-length, curly hair, no facial hair. Very Peter Frampton-y. Looks like he belongs in a heavy metal band. Flash forward to 1995, he has short hair and a full beard and mustache (it's ugly because it looks so fake). Fortunately he shaves and looks like Jason again.
  • Other cast - Ioan Gruffudd does a *great* job as Peter's son, Nigel. Their scenes together are *wonderful.* There's one scene where they're standing together and looking in the same direction and they really look like they could be father and son. It's cool.
  • Squidge factor - Oh very funny - send me a video I haven't seen and have read nothing about, and don't warn me. It's quite a shock to the system to see naked Jason if you're not expecting it. I suspect it's a shock to the system even if you are expecting it. Man, but he has a nice backside (great back and shoulders, wonderful arms, really nice butt). It's during a scene with his girlfriend and he's helping her with her anatomy lesson. He's laying on his stomach (naked) and reading from an anatomy book. He calls out the body part and she touches it. Did I mention he was naked? (I'll never be able to open "Anatomy for Artists" again without thinking of this scene). More shirtless scenes with jeans and the long hair. Pretty hot 'almost sex' scene for older Peter. There's tugging at clothes and such. (Peter gets a10 out of 10 - just because there's so much of him in this movie). What??! He also does a sleight-of-hand magic trick that's *very* cool. Again with the great hands (writes left-handed too).
  • Death - No (Yipee! Five movies in a row where he hasn't died - how refreshing!)
  • Favorites Quotes - "Do ya know there's a place in Sweden called 'A'? Just that one letter. Right, there's a place in America called 'B.' I was thinking we could do an alphabetical tour of the world." * "Ooooh, do that again." * "I think you should press your obicularis oris against my obicularis oris." <--- (that's the *mouth* people) * "I think you should marry me."
  • Video/DVD - Try to find a copy. He is brilliant in this.


Hotel

  • Synopsis - Wow. Suddenly "Event Horizon" is looking really good to me. What a pretentious, disjointed, fucked-up piece of crap. The camera-work was more than annoying. The dialogue was stupid. The story - what story? It *is* possible to hate a movie more than "Event Horizon." Live and learn.
  • Released - 2001
  • Character - Gavin McKay, Australian actor
  • Accent - Australian (very cute)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - good
  • Bastard rating - 0 (but according to the snotty director, he's a "fuckin' useless let-me-down cunt")
  • Blood & Bullets - Some. And more weirdness than even I can handle
  • Costumes - Tan leather jacket, sky blue t-shirt, long-sleeved blue ribbed sweater (very nice), sunglasses
  • Pinky Ring? - Gotta check! Ack! That will mean watching the movie again. Maybe not.
  • Other cast - Hey kids! Let's put on a show! Invite all your famous friends to Venice and do whatever the hell you want. Unbefuckinglievable.
  • Squidge factor - Very cute and the accent is a real turn-on (9 out of 10)
  • Death - No, he got out in time (for the "Ridley Scott gig")
  • Screentime - Two bloody minutes and 9 bloody seconds (approximately). Can you believe I watched the whole thing for two minutes and 9 seconds? I can't either.
  • Favorites Quotes - "Hello, mate. How you doin'? Ow." <-- the way he says 'ow' makes me laugh hysterically - ok, so I'm easily amused
  • Video/DVD - Avoid at all costs. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ok, maybe my *worst* enemy . . .


Shopping

  • Synopsis - Stupid people doing incredibly stupid things to other stupid people. As pointless as "Hotel." * I really could have used a giant shot of Novacaine injected directly into my brain. But it was numb by the end of this anyway.
  • Released - 1994
  • Character - Steve, market trader in illegal goods (Steve should have sold 'clues' to these people).
  • Accent - English
  • Good guy or bad boy? - That's open to debate.
  • Bastard rating - 3?
  • Blood & Bullets - None in his scene. Violence in other bits. Rated 'R' for 'Relentlessly Stupid."
  • Costumes - Baseball cap with brim turned up (looked rather silly), satiny jacket, jeans, apron.
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes.
  • Hair - short, lots of stubble on his face (not particularly appealing - the stubble, not his face).
  • Other cast - Jude Law, Sadie Frost, Sean Pertwee, Sean Bean
  • Squidge factor - Eeeek, a 5 maybe? The gum-chomping really turned me off. Ick.
  • Death - No.
  • Screentime - 1 minute, 50 seconds
  • Favorites Quotes - "What you fuckin' looking at?"
  • Video/DVD - Try to borrow someone's copy if you must.


Windtalkers

  • Synopsis - I'm not a huge fan of war movies, but this isn't half bad (which means it's not half good either). It's rather melodramatic (mostly due to Nicholas Cage). They covered this subject (Navajo used as codetalkers during WWII) with more interest on "The X-Files."
  • Released - 2002
  • Character - Major Mellitz
  • Accent - American (nice job)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy
  • Bastard rating - 1 (because he's so grim)
  • Blood & Bullets - Loads of both. And I've never seen quite so many soldiers flying through the air (it got rather ludicrous after a while).
  • Costumes - Spiffy uniform, but the shirt! Could they have picked an uglier shade of green? Not Jason's best color (that would be blue, by-the-way).
  • Pinky Ring? - No, military guy.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Nicholas Cage (yikes, not good), Christian Slater (charming), Adam Beach as Ben Yahzee, one of the "Windtalkers" (not the world's best actor, but really likeable).
  • Squidge factor - hmmmm - while the uniform is nice, Mellitz seems a pretty humorless sort (6 out 10).
  • Death - No, he's hanging out in Hawaii (Whoa! Eight movies in a row where he hasn't died - we're on a roll!).
  • Screentime - approximately 3 minutes - but they're an important 3 minutes, as Mellitz pretty much explains the whole movie to you right there in his office (end of chapter 4 on your DVD scene selection - best to go to chapter 5 and rewind a tiny bit)
  • Favorites Quotes - "Public school boy myself."
  • Video/DVD - Rent it (maybe) or wait for cable

The Tall Guy

  • Synopsis - Goofy movie about an American working as a straight man for a comic in England. The best part is the ridiculous production of "Elephant," a musical adaptation of "The Elephant Man." And the tease that the director would next be doing "Dirty Dick," a musical adaptation of "Richard III," with the breakout hit, "I've a hunch I'm gonna be king." <-- I told you I was easily amused
  • Released - 1989
  • Character - Doctor #2
  • Accent - English (Received Pronunciation)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - I assume he's a good guy, but maybe he goes on to work the Umbrella Corporation (see Resident Evil)
  • Bastard rating - 0
  • Blood & Bullets - Nope. Rated R for nudity.
  • Costumes - Cheap, wrinkly surgeon's scrubs and mask (unlike the hi-tech stuff in Resident Evil).
  • Pinky Ring? - No, surgeon again. You'd want him to drop it in you?
  • Hair - Who knows? It's covered.
  • Other cast - Jeff Goldblum, Rowan Atkinson and Emma Thompson
  • Squidge factor - 5 (again with the surgical mask, but they don't make good use of his eyes like they do in Resident Evil)
  • Death - No
  • Screentime - Approximately 21 seconds (really).
  • Favorites Quotes - "You mean the patient's . . . spineless." <-- this is 1/2 of his total dialogue. I kid you not.
  • Video/DVD - Buy it if you're a Jeff Goldblum or Emma Thompson fan. Maybe if you're a Rowan Atkinson fan (although it's not as fun as Blackadder or Mr. Bean). Don't even bother with this one if you're not.

Mild and Bitter

  • Synopsis - short film about four guys on a bicycle trip to find all the best pubs in England apparently. No, actually it's about an encounter between this quiet, waifish woman and a charming stranger (Blake) on said bicycle trip.
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - Sid Blake
  • Accent - English (Yorkshire with Derbyshire overtones)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Flirty good guy
  • Bastard rating - 5 (Just because he's such a merciless tease. It would be higher, but he doesn't whine like the other guys when they don't get any beer. Geez, they're pathetic. Grow up already!)
  • Blood & Bullets - Neither
  • Costumes - Cute cap, sweater vest and trousers with bicycle bands
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes! This is where the whole "Pinky Ring" category came from.
  • Hair - short
  • Other cast - Anne-Marie Duff
  • Squidge factor - Very cute. Very flirty. Very sexy in just 13 minutes. Gets lots of points for the sleight-of-hand magic trick. If I'd been the woman, I'd have sent the kid off to feed the chickens and jumped his bones. * And there's *tea.* Loads of tea. Yes, it's officially a conspiracy to drive me mad. 10 out of 10 points because Mr. Blake shows us what he can do with his hands (oh please, like you weren't thinking the same thing).
  • Death - No.
  • Screentime - The whole thing is only 13 minutes long. Jason's in most of it.
  • Favorites Quotes - "Where's the nearest pub?" (very useful phrase)
  • Video/DVD/Media - Mild & Bitter is available for viewing on the JIF multimedia page.


Reminder - Lots of spoilers! Reminder - Lots of spoilers! Reminder - Lots of spoilers! Reminder - Lots of spoilers! Reminder - Lots of spoilers!

The Fix

  • Synopsis - Early 60s. Newspaper reporter uncovers football scandal. Ex-footballer (Jimmy Gauld) is bribing players to throw matches and cleaning up on bets made with the 'legitimate' bookies. Tony Kay (Jason Isaacs) isn't throwing the games himself, but he's betting on games that he knows have been rigged. This particular dramatization did little to put Kay in a sympathic light. If Jason hadn't been playing Tony, I wouldn't have had *any* sympathy for this guy at all. What a sleeze. But a cute sleeze. Tony Kay ends up getting four months in prison and is banned from professional football for life.
  • Released - 1997
  • Character - Tony Kay (egotistical, drunken, horny footballer)
  • Accent - English (Sheffield - also Yorks but a bit further south)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Bad boy
  • Bastard rating - 9 (only because he didn't kill anyone). Drinks a lot. Cheats on his wife. Fucks a 16-year-old in the back of his car. (Dude, you're supposed to ask how old they are *first* - sheesh). Bets on his own soccer game when he knows it's been rigged.
  • Blood & Bullets - None
  • Costumes - Damn. Men in shorts. How can you go wrong? By not showing Jason in shorts, that's how! I've never seen the top half of so many soccer players in my life. WTF? Just a couple of really brief glances or hints of him in shorts. At least the short-sleeved jersies (?) are cute. And when they do show him practicing with teammates, he's wearing baggy sweatpants. Well, not entirely baggy. Ok, they're actually pretty nice sweatpants. But my favorite outfit is the white shirt with suspenders and tie. Love suspenders on Jason. And he does unbutton his shirt and take it off at one point . . .
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes.
  • Hair - short, but a little longer on top (*really* cute hair)
  • Other cast - Steve Coogan, Michael Elphick, Maggie O'Neill
  • Squidge factor - 10 out of 10 - (he may be a jerk, but damn). Sex scene in his Jaguar (with that slutty 16-year-old) and brief, but very hot scene in the kitchen with his wife (no coffee or tea cups in sight either). Although there is a tea scene one morning when he's hung over and drinking his tea outside while reading the paper. Oh yeah. Writes left-handed again too. Have I mentioned recently how nice his hands are? <stops to check the review above> Ok, so I have. Well, they are really nice. And adding even more to his squidge rating --> if I hear Jason moan during one more sex scene I think my head's going to explode. Yes, there's that moaning/groaning/grunting sound again. Crikey, but he does that well. Too well.
  • Death - No -11 in a row - but this streak has got to end soon - I still have "Soldier" waiting to be watched so I know what's coming. (Damn you, Paul Anderson!).
  • Favorites Quotes - "Shit, shit, shit!" (when he's frantically trying to get away from the cop on the bike - with the naked 16-year-old on the seat beside him - and his car stuck in a hole) - heeheeeeeeee - he so deserves this scene.
  • Video/DVD - Hang out on the JI lists and try to find a copy.


Soldier

  • Synopsis - Futuristic action flick about an initially unlikeable genetically-engineered soldier (Todd) abandoned by his makers. He's left for dead on a 'garbage dump' planet and becomes the good guy when he helps the residents of the planet fight off the same people who raised and trained him. * You're probably going to think I'm insane, but I liked this movie. Got two thumbs up from the 14-year-old son too. We were both cheering like mad for Todd. Yes, we were in a silly mood (maybe that's a requirement for watching this movie), but we had fun with it. We even threw popcorn at Mekum. * And it got us talking about a lot of things (children raised without any emotional or physical attachments and the requirements of being a 'good solider'). And when something gets you talking with your teenager, it can't be all bad, right?
  • Released - 1998
  • Character - Colonel Mekum
  • Accent - American
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Icky smug military guy (much like Father Smythe in a uniform)
  • Bastard rating -10
  • Blood & Bullets - Yep, lots of both. Rated 'R.'
  • Costumes - Gray uniform. The color looked good on him, but the design was a little too 'Space Nazi' for me
  • Pinky Ring? - No. Don't think so.
  • Hair - short hair and the cheddar of cheesy mustaches. I just wanted to hold him down and shave the ugly thing off. Or rub if off because it looked like it was drawn on with a Sharpie marker.
  • Other cast - Kurt Russell was Todd, (although I prefer him as a character with actual personality - like Snake Plissken), Sean Pertwee (cool character), Connie Nielsen (gorgeous), Jason Scott Lee (wow, he's really bulked up since 'The Jungle Book')
  • Squidge factor - Man, the lowest one yet. Maybe a 3 out of 10? Arrogant, smug, yet oh so cowardly. Total disregard for human life. Ick. The mustache definitely hurt in this category. Not the least bit 'Tom Selleck-y.' And heck, no coffee. Or any sort of drink. Maybe that's the problem, hmmmm?
  • Death - Yep, "he blowed up good." Again. Or as he says on the DVD commentary, "Jason Isaacs - dead as ever." Would have preferred a more 'visceral' sort of death though (like D.J.'s for instance). I think this is the first time I've actually cheered when a Jason character died. Although this totally blows the long string of 'non-dying-Jason' movies . . .
  • Favorites Quotes - "What exactly does that crap mean in English?" * "I am NOT panicking!" * "Fuck 'em. Let's just go."
  • Video/DVD - Buy it if you like silly blow-'em-up SciFi action flicks


 

The Last Minute

  • Synopsis - Well . . . I didn't hate it. It was weird, but about 100 times more visually appealing than "Hotel." And it at least tried to have a story. I wouldn't go so far as to say, 'plot,' but it made sense. At times. * I liked the whole idea behind the main character, Billy Byrne, being the "next big thing." They never tell you what he is - an artist, a musician, a graphic designer, an actor, a writer, a web guru. It's up to you to decide. * The whole point is that fame is fleeting. You're on top one minute and people are bored with you the next. Billy goes from king-of-the-hill to an Oliver Twist-ed drug-addicted member of a gang run by a Fagin-like character named Shanks. * Jason plays Percy, a very evil guy. He's got a scar that runs through his upper and lower lips. I guess to make him look more sinister, although he doesn't need any help. He looks completely crazed when he goes after Shanks in the underground tunnels.
  • Released - July 29, 2003
  • Character - Dave "Percy" Sledge
  • Accents - English (Cockney)
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Evil sledgehammer-wielding maniac
  • Bastard rating - 12 out of 10 (like an angry, singing and dancing Pat Keegan on crack)
  • Blood & Bullets - Lots. And Percy shoots a kid. The bastard. After the kid's hairless, mutant dog thingee attacks him. Guns, knives and a 'lovely big sledgehammer.' Rated 'R.'
  • Costumes - Black. Suit and mock turtleneck. Shiny black shoes. Black gloves.
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes!
  • Hair - Short. Very nice.
  • Other cast - Max Beesley as Billy, Tom Bell as Shanks
  • Squidge factor - 9 (because of the dancing). Let's just say I sat there with my mouth hanging open like a complete moron. He actually managed to surprise me once again. The man can really dance. He didn't convince me in "The Tuxedo," but there's no doubt about it here. Good gawd, sparks even fly from his shoes. There's a wonderful high kick, a great twirl, and hip thrusts. Very impressive. Especially the hip thrusts. * He lip synchs "I've Got You Under My Skin" (Frank Sinatra), and "When a Man Loves a Woman" (Percy Sledge). And he really gets into it. The hand movements are great. * There's head cocking, eyebrow-lifting, a wink and a kiss. My feelings were pretty much echoed in the faces of the women watching him perform in the film. Big eyes, glazed expressions, slack jaws. * There's no coffee, but he keeps his hands busy. There are snapping fingers, drinks, a microphone and the sledgehammer of course. And man, can he swing a hammer! * There's also smoking. Only Jason can make smoking look sexy to me. And that's saying a lot. Especially the close-up in the end credits when he slowly inhales, looks right at the camera, smiles and raises his eyebrows a tad. Yikes. That's a killer shot.
  • Death - Nope, he's the 'next big thing'
  • Favorites Quotes - After jamming his microphone between the woman's legs, "I'll be back for that. Keep it warm." * "Put the fucking kettle on! Percy's here."
  • Video/DVD - Buy it. It's worth it to see him 'sing' and dance. And there's lots of extras. The DVD is very well done. Graphically interesting. He's in scenes 7, 21 & 22 and the end credits. As well as many of the extra bits.
  • Media - Trailer is here .


(Warning - spoilers)

Geez, this review is so long, I can include another picture . . .

and damn, I keep adding more and more stuff, so here's another one . . .

Peter Pan

  • Synopsis - Beautiful adaptation of J.M. Barrie's book about a poor, lonely ship's captain and the annoying flying brat who makes life miserable for him. Ok, ok, it's about not wanting to get older and take on adult responsibilties. It's really Wendy's story. * I can't say enough good things about this film. Beautiful, charming, funny and moving. The dialogue was wonderful. A lot of it directly from the book. * It wasn't flawless, the CGI crocodile sucked pond water (or would that be ocean water?), some of the editing was very choppy, and the red filter made me want to scream, but it's a very enjoyable time and well-worth the price of admission. Several times.
  • Released - Dec. 25, 2003 (U.S.)
  • Characters - Captain James Hook, or Jas, and Mr. George Darling
  • Accents - English (Received Pronunciation).
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Both. Hook is snotty, supercilious and pompous (I love him!). Did he chew up the scenery? Oh yeah. And came back for scenery dessert. * Hook is pretty much angry (or sad) all the time as well. You just want to hold his head to your chest and cuddle him. And stroke those long silky curls. Ok, maybe that's just me . . . * Mr. Darling is a shy, stuttering wimp. Quite pathetic really. You feel very sorry for him. You feel sorry for both of them in their own way.
  • Bastard rating - Hook - a 16. He has to rate higher than Tavington. Tavington kills women and children, but not fairies! Now *this* is madness! Mr. Darling - a 1. He's almost a total wuss, but we see him lose his temper *once* and rip off poor Nana's hat. <Boooooo, Hissssss> Great eye twitch though (George, not the dog).
  • Blood & Bullets - Sanitized for the kiddies. Hook likes to kill off his crew when he's the least bit irritated, but it's not Sam Peckinpah (or Event Horizon) or anything. One slightly bloody bullet hole. There are lots of pointy things in this film. Always a plus. Lots of sword fights. Loads of pirates. This movie should be rated "ARRRRRRRRRRR."
  • Costumes - Mr. Darling - in proper suits, a cardigan, and evening wear with top hat. Adorable striped jammies with a robe (with some of the same fabric as Hook's costume, I believe). Cute glasses. Hook - his costumes are incredibly beautiful. Jason's most amazing costumes ever. Rich colors. Elaborate embroidery. Fabrics to die for. Not that he had to . . . * The black ruffly shirt is my second favorite costume - my favorite being the leather harness and tight pants. We get to see an assortment of attachments for his bondage contraption. But I'm betting he has a very 'special' box of attachments under the bed as well. Very sexy boots. Hooded cloak. Yeow.
  • Pinky Ring? - Yes! A huge one with red stone for Jas. None for George.
  • Hair - Very short and proper for Mr. Darling. Gloriously long, dark and curly for Hook. Bouncin' and behavin' (or misbehavin') indeed. Very sexy goatee. And some really nice chest hair as well. Can't forget the chest hair. Never forget the chest hair.
  • Other cast - Jeremy Sumpter (the perfect Peter Pan), Rachel Hurd-Wood (absolutely charming), Lynn Redgrave (Hmmm, unnecesary in my opinion - there's a reason she wasn't in the book), Richard Briers (hilarious and cute), Olivia Williams (beautiful), Ludivine Sagnier (both annoying and cute), and all the Darling boys and the Lost Boys were excellent.
  • Squidge factor - Hook - 20! He broke the frelling scale (it's supposed to go to 10)! I'd take Jas. over Tavington and Lucius anytime. All right, minds out of the gutter! You know what I mean. But now that I think of it . . . * Hook is seduction in boots. The sexiest character yet. You've got the best hair, dude (at least in the cleaned up version - there is a scruffy version too). And speaking of scruffy Hook . . . he's *SHIRTLESS*! And hook-less as well (at least for a few seconds). He's got a sexy leather harness, a great big sparkly gold earring, high leather boots, kick-ass tattoos, long luxurious locks, an awesome goatee, sharp metal implements of torture, and he's a snappy dresser. Did we cover your fetish, everyone? I thought so. What more could a girl ask for? Ok, possibly another hand . . . but he makes very good use of the hand he has. He even plays the harpsichord! And sings! Jason has a lovely voice. And he said he sang like 'a cat with a hernia' in "The Last Minute" extras. If I actually knew what a cat with a hernia sounded like, I'm sure it wouldn't sound like this. * And the coffee report? Who gives a shit about coffee? I was too busy looking at his hair. And his chest. And the hair leading down to his navel (and beyond). And his arms. Lookin' pretty buff there, Jase. * In short - Hook makes my ovaries twitch. George - An 8 - which is still pretty darned high. The glasses are really cute. But he's so stuffy (almost said stiff, but I knew where that would go). You just wanna ruffle up his hair and pull off that starched collar (and fling it across the room). Not that I've thought about this much or anything . . . * He may be a lovely man, but anyone who has to practice small talk is a bit of a loser. I'm sorry, George, but at least glasses-wearing Ron Quincy had a laptop (and was really, really smart) . . .
  • Death - FUCKING CROCODILE!!!! If I had written the screenplay, Hook would have lived happily ever after with his Cabin Girl, wearing crocodile boots and crocodile belt, sitting on a crocodile-upholstered settee, wearing croc teeth on his crocodile hat band and feasting on crocodile stew. You get the picture. Mr. D survives though. And gives pony rides apparently. Hmmmmmmm, where do I sign up?
  • Favorites Quotes - Hook - "Didst thou ever want to be a pirate, my heartie?" * "Proud and insolent youth - prepare to meet thy doom." * "Like all surpise attacks - it must be conducted improperly." * "Come on. Fly to the rescue and then I'll shoot you right through your noble intentions." * "Silence, puny spawn!" * "Split my infinitives." * "Alas, I have no happy thoughts." * "I'll show you the road to dusty death . . ." * "You'll die alone and unloved . . . just like me." * "My new obsession is you." <thud> * "Oh evil day." * "He fed my hand to a crocodile. The Beast liked it so much it's followed me ever since, licking its lips for the rest of me. YOU CALL THAT A FAVOR?!!" <Ok, pretty much anything he says.> Mr. Darling - "Anyone for a ponyride?!" <-- Diane raises her hand
  • Video/DVD - Oh yeah, buy one for home and one for the workplace (for lunchtime viewing).
  • Media - Links to video clips, trailers are here.

New and improved Peter Pan poster at left by me. Captain Hook (and Mr. Darling) artwork on the art page. Mr. Darling morphing into Captain Hook movie I made is here.


Warning - spoilers

Passionada

  • Synopsis - Lots of fish. Lots of cards. Some dancing. Lots of kissing. Lots of singing. And most importantly, lots of Jason. Jason at his most charming. Ever. * I've thought about this a bit since the initial viewings. Would I like this film at all if Jason wasn't playing Charlie? Not so sure I would. Jason is what makes the movie watchable to me. You can't miss this if you're a JI fan though.
  • Released - 2003
  • Character - Charlie Beck, gambler
  • Accent - English
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy (mostly).
  • Bastard rating - He's a bit truth-impaired, or candor-challenged, shall we say, but we'll forgive him just this once. All right, all right, a 5. Or a 6. With my eyes closed, a 7. Can't stand people who lie.
  • Blood & Bullets - None. * Icky dead fish though. Good thing they haven't invented 'Smell-o-vision' yet. * And check out his suitcase - crocodile (or alligator) embossed. Had to chuckle over that. Apparently a card shark can take on a crocodile more effectively than a pirate can.
  • Costumes - A nice suit and purple shirt combo. And lovely suit and tie at the end. * Yellow waders. How anyone can manage to look sexy in waders, I don't know, but he does. Combined with a black t-shirt and stocking cap. * Nice black leather jacket. * Bright, loud shirts. They don't rate very high on the squidge-o-meter. The bright blue one was nice though. Very flattering color. Cute baseball cap. * And a new weapon in his deadly arsenal of clothing . . . a white tank top. Quite devastating when paired with unsnapped and partially unzipped pants when he's alone on his motel bed.
  • Pinky Ring? - None.
  • Hair - Well . . . it's a wig, since he'd just done "Black Hawk Down." The burning question - How many wigs did they try on before they chose this one? Answer: Not nearly enough. I started to notice it less and less as the film went on though. And even less the more times I watch it.
  • Other cast - Sofia Milos (lovely), Emmy Rossum (cute as a button), Lupe Ontiveros, Theresa Russell, Seymour Cassel and Chris Tardio as Gianni (whoa - cute as a whole shirt-full of buttons).
  • Squidge factor - Wow. Revising my rating already. He's up to a 12. Charlie is funny, as well as charming. I love funny guys. * Now, I hear you ask . . . "is there sex?" I know, because that's the first thing I'd ask. This film has one of the most sensuous scenes in any Jason film. The food scene. Crikey. Finger-licking good indeed. I hope they put all that food away before . . . ok, never mind. * Lots (and I mean lots) of *very* sexy kissing. And nuzzling. Always a good thing. And a shirtless scene in bed (should be required in every JI film). But you have to use your imagination in this one (as if we don't already). * And there's one scene on the beach where his neck is mesmerizing. Geez, I think I'm starting a neck thing now . . . * Whistling with fingers. Again. Slight-of-hand coin trick. Again. The tongue over the lips move. Again. Still very cute though.
  • Death - No.
  • Favorites Quotes - "I'm quite good at it actually." * "I'll do anything. If you just let me be around you." * Phew! Well, I'm off to shave my head and join a monastery. How could I compete with that?" * Just, you know . . . quite good with my hands." * "Well, I was hoping we could all go skinny dipping." * "I like soup." * "Your fish are very . . . sexy." * "You're scary. You know, I know loan sharks more flexible than you." * "It's just a job. We are far more than what we do."
  • Video/DVD - A most definite 'buy me.' How often can you find a project where Jason has top billing? <Diane looks at the review above>. Ok, but there's even more Jason in this one. Came out on DVD on April 6th. And if you get the DVD, check out the alternate ending (original ending). It's hideous.*
  • Media - See the trailer here< /A> and the trailer and clips here and here.


The Heroic Legend of Arislan

  • Synopsis - Jason is the voice of Prince Lajendra in "The Heroic Legend of Arislan," a Japanese anime series. There are six parts to it. Part 1 and 2 are on separate videos, and parts 3 and 4 are together on one. And there's an additional video called "The Heroic Legend of Arislan: Age of Heroes" (parts 5 and 6). Jason's character is in Part 2. * Lajendra is the illegitimate son of King Karikara II of Shindra. He's vying for power with his older brother, Gardeep. Lajendra is captured by Arislan's people and he forms an alliance with the young prince. * I was not expecting to hear Jason with an Indian accent. Oddly enough, his brother and father didn't seem to have one. Guess it was from his mother's side (she was a slave in the palace). * Lajendra laughs all the time, which is annoying as hell, and he seems quite spoiled. He's a beautiful character though. Long black hair, brown skin and big light blue eyes (huh?).
  • Released - 1992 (Japanese Release) - 1993 (English Dubbed Version)
  • Character - Prince Lajendra
  • Accent - Indian
  • Good guy or bad boy? - "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn this way." Ok, he's mostly good, but a conniving little bastard.
  • Bastard rating -5
  • Blood & Bullets - Some animated blood. Lots of swords and arrows.
  • Costumes - Bright pink tunic, blue pants, white stole over his right shoulder. He also wears a red kumkum mark signifying valour and that he belongs to a warrior race.
  • Pinky Ring? - Don't think so.
  • Hair - Long black hair
  • Other cast / favorite characters - Daryoon and Narsus. Oh yeah, pretty anime boys with long hair.
  • Squidge factor - Well . . . ok . . . for an animated character he's pretty hot. But he thinks he's pretty hot himself, which greatly lowers the squidgieness of *anybody.* A 7?
  • Death - No.
  • Favorites Quotes - "It's a prince's duty to have a good time. Live the good life. Wine, women, song." * "Oh dear, oh dear. I'm in a proper pickle, aren't I?" * <Said to his brother, Gardeep - - > "But how come you weren't named as father's successor? Hmm? I'll tell you why - because you're wooden-headed, stubborn and thick. And you haven't got my good looks. So I suggest you just turn on your heels and leave before I mash you to a pulp, you unsightly thing!"
  • Video/DVD - If you like Anime, then go for it. He's in part II only. And make sure you get the English dubbed version or you won't be hearing Jason. Try http://www.half.com or eBay.


The West Wing

  • Synopsis - Donna gets sent to Gaza on a 'fact-finding' mission. She meets Colin and naturally sleeps with him.
  • Released - Episodes "Gaza" (aired May 12, 2004) and "Memorial Day" (aired May 19, 2004). He'll be in the season premiere of "The West Wing" this fall as well.
  • Character - Colin Ayres, photojournalist
  • Accent - Ummm, well, mostly Irish.
  • Good guy or bad boy? - Good guy
  • Bastard rating - 2 - Nobody likes to have their photo taken when they're upside down and covered in blood.
  • Blood & Bullets - It's Gaza. There are bombs. A little blood is shown.
  • Costumes - Rumbled. Nice and comfy looking though. In order of appearance - "Gaza" - 1) Long sleeved oatmeal colored shirt with sleeves rolled up, white t-shirt, jeans; 2) Blue long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up, olive t-shirt, khaki pants; 3) Same shirt as #1 with black t-shirt and khaki pants (my favorite); 4) Covered with some sheets (might be my favorite if we could actually *see* him; 5) Short-sleeved oatmeal shirt with olive t-shirt and khaki pants; 6) Same as #1. "Memorial Day," - Blue shirt, khaki pants. Jacket in second scene.
  • Pinky Ring? - Nah.
  • Hair - Perfect. Jason's own.
  • Other cast - Janel Maloney as Donna, the clueless internet junkie. Well, not entirely clueless. She does have sex with him. But in my opinion she spent way too much time working on the wrong laptop. "Let's see . . . should I check my e-mail or snuggle up with this gorgeous hunk of a guy? Ah heck, I might be missing a reply from Josh. I'll just log in for a minute." Nitwit.
  • Squidge factor - A solid 10. What a charmer. Loved the flirting.
  • Death - No. Can you believe it?
  • Favorites Quotes - "Here's to an old fashioned girl" * My favorite quote is Josh's response to Donna, when she asks, "Isn't he charming?" Josh - "Sure, in a bodice-ripping Heathcliff-on-the-moor, I'm-too-sexy-for-my-camera sort of way." Brilliant!
  • Video/DVD - Hope you taped it. If not, I'm sure it will be back in reruns.
  • Media - All of Jason's West Wing segments are available for viewing on the JIF multimedia page.

MORE TO COME!!!!!

Many thanks to Char for her marvelous screencaps which I altered in Photoshop. You can see *many* more photos of Jason at her sites, here and here.
And many heartfelt thanks to Teri for sharing the 'Jasony goodness.'
Special thanks to Minx, Narayana and Carole for help with the accents.
And thanks to Iris, Roseanne, Squee and Eleanor.
 
 


Accents:

An explanation of Received Pronunciation:

A pronunciation of British English, originally based on the speech of the upper class of southeastern England and characteristic of the English spoken at the public schools and at Oxford and Cambridge Universities. Until recently it was the standard form of English used in British broadcasting.   

From the American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000.


And explanation of 'Home Counties' from Wikipedia:

"The phrase Home Counties is a semi-archaic name for the English counties bordering London. These were originally Kent, Surrey, Middlesex and Essex. However, although Middlesex still exists as a postal address, most of the county itself has long since been absorbed into Greater London (though parts of what was Middlesex are now in Surrey), along with parts of the other counties. The list of counties bordering Greater London also includes Berkshire, Buckinghamshire and Hertfordshire. However, the phrase "Home Counties" is not usually applied with geographical precision, but simply refers to the south-east of England."

 


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